In the News

What exactly are boundaries?

Simply put, boundaries are what set the space between where you end and the other person begins. Setting boundaries is an important part of any relationship, but is especially important with a romantic partner. My clients at It’s Just Lunch will ask me, “if my partner is ‘right’ for me, should we need boundaries?”. The answer is an unequivocal YES. You may be in love, but that does not make you the same exact person as your partner. You both have needs, and they will not always align perfectly. Boundaries simply establish guidelines within the relationship so your partner understands your needs and expectations, and vice versa.

What are some examples of boundaries within a relationship?

In order to establish boundaries, you need to be clear with your partner about who you are, what you want, your beliefs and values, and just as importantly, your limits. Some people may need solo time, so a fair boundary would be “I would like to spend some time alone on Sunday afternoons”. Others may value their privacy, and say “It is not okay with me if you look through my phone without my knowledge”.

There are so many different kinds of boundaries, including privacy, personal space, material, your basic day-to-day boundaries, and if you’re a parent, there are often boundaries when it comes to your kids. The important thing to remember is that you should avoid using words like “always” or “never”. You’re in a relationship with another human being, so boundaries need to be able to bend a bit as needed.

Day-to-Day Boundaries:

We all have our “things”. It’s what makes us interesting! Sometimes it’s the small stuff that INFURIATES us, like our partner leaving the toilet seat up or leaving their dirty dishes in the sink. Setting a day-to-day boundary could include saying “I need 30 minutes every morning to drink coffee before interacting”, or “I’d really like us both to tidy up every night before we go to bed, I sleep much better that way”. Making sure your partner understands these small needs will make your day-to-day interactions go a lot more smoothly!

If could use a few more boundaries in your relationship, what are the next steps?

The first step is to acknowledge your needs and limits. People who do not set boundaries often act like martyrs. “I had to clean up after him or her, AGAIN”. Instead, start communicating with your partner as to why something isn’t working for you.

The second step is to acknowledge your partner’s needs and limits. This is a two-way street. Trust me, they have a few requests of you too!

The third step is simply to discuss fully until you both have a solid grasp of each other’s expectations and can acknowledge and accept your partner’s boundaries.

Understand that these boundaries are not set in stone, and that they can bend as needed. Because life happens! That being said, you need to make sure that bending that boundary is the exception and not the rule.